So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
