my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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