He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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