goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
