I accidentally had phone sex last night
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
