I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
