I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
