Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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