Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My vagina is very pro this idea
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
