I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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