okay pat passed out under dana's car
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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