I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
