what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
