is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
vagina is talking i cant
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
