alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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