Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
