you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
