remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
