I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
