I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
