It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
