fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
