JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
