I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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