I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
