i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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