Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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