my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
