i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I looked at my own cervix.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize