Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
if only i could text you this smell
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
