Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
