i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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