I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
