I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I think we might need a safe word for this...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
