saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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