You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
