i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
