I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
