Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
