I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize
