i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
