im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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