Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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