Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize