the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
