I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
