How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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