I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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