You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
