im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
