Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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