I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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