Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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