fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
3pm strippers are depressing
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
