I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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