3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I intend to get homeless drunk
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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